War of my Worlds

OK -- you know how sometimes on TV or in the movies they'll use a gimmick to demonstrate two sides of a character? Or to show his spirit after he's dead? Basically, they just split the actor in two, to show either the good guy & bad guy battling with each other, or whatever the two separate facets are that they're trying to demonstrate. Are you following me? I'm not explaining very well, but that's what my world is like now. Two separate people in this one body.

First we have "Old Pam." (And it kills me to call her "old," but "chronologically pre-dating the cancer" is just too awkward! So we will have to call her Old Pam). It took 100% of Old Pam, both mentally and physically to BE Old Pam. That's who I was. Now we have "Cancer Pam," and it's the same thing. It takes Cancer Pam-- right now-- 100% of her being to be Cancer Pam-- to live in this new world, learn new terms, be concerned about new things. And not just "be concerned," but re-prioritizing your life with a new center.

Are you following me now? Two, separate, distinct individuals, both demanding 100% of the physical and mental "being" of Pam. It's like I'm warring with myself. And right now the battle is hot-- both sides want "ALL" or nothing.

Earlier this week Old Pam was strong. The body was still weak and recovering, but Old Pam was running the brain and thinking appropriate "Old Pam" things: emails I needed to write, calls I needed to make, what we need to buy at the grocery store, helping plan Allison's baby shower, etc. Even though I was lying on the couch and still in post-surgery mode, Old Pam was fully in charge and engaged.

Then around Wednesday Cancer Pam showed up and demanded ALL of the attention. Nothing had changed physically, but I became completely incapable of doing anything from my "real life." I just listened to the phone ring and couldn't do a thing about it. It's like a shroud descended on me and I couldn't see past it.

Now, here's the really screwy part: on Friday I had to go back to Baptist West to have my port installed for chemotherapy--more on that later. But suffice it to say it took up my whole day. And guess who was in residence then? OLD PAM!!! See how screwy it is. I'm in the hospital, right back in "pre-op" for the third time in 3 weeks, and instead of being consumed with the procedure at hand, I'm thinking about how I'd like to go to Steak & Shake for lunch, and check out the Baby Sale in Turkey Creek, as soon as I leave the hospital. I literally left the OR wide awake and ready to go-- thinking about things I wanted to do. (Ultimately, Caitlin talked me out of the shopping because my neck was still covered in betadine and she said I looked like Big Bird and would scare people, so we came home instead.)

But you see how confusing all this is? I never know who's going to be in charge-- Old Pam or Cancer Pam. I guess that will be the rest of my story-- reconciling the two.