Where is Pam?

Where is Pam? Right here. Betwixt and between. Not well, but not really sick. Not bedridden, but still pretty attached to the couch. Not in pain, but still taking meds. Not really hungry, but trying to eat. And pretty much clueless from one day to the next what to expect, which makes life frustrating for me and my family.

I would consider myself mostly healed from the surgery. I get twinges here and there, but all my incisions are healed enough so I can finally wear proper undergarments. (too much information? Sorry, but you have no idea how unsettling it is for a 54-year-old woman forced to go braless. So I just didn't "go." I'll leave it at that!). But I am changed in so many ways-- frustrating ways, and only time will tell which changes are temporary and which are not.

Before the surgery, I lived to read. It was my every-spare-moment retreat-- newwspapers, magazines and sometimes 2-3 books a week. Since the surgery, I haven't read more than a short article. I just don't seem to have any powers of concentration. Even People magazine has lost its tawdry appeal! And BS (Before Surgery), my default TV channel was Fox news. If I was home, or working in my office, it was on. I prided myself on being able to carry on a conversation with anyone on current/political events. Now my default channel is Food Network, which is ironic since food has become more of a burden than a joy to me. (And if you know me well, you know I lived to eat before surgery. I was all about the food!).

And independence? I'm extremely independent. I enjoy my "alone time," and could entertain myself quite well before surgery. I loved evenings when Charlie was out refereeing and I could cook or not, read a book and enjoy the quiet. Now, if he leaves me alone more than 2 hours I'm a whiny mess. In short, I don't know who I've become and I don't know what to do with myself!

My first chemo treatment came and went last week and I think I tolerated it fairly well. A couple of minor side effects during the treatment-- like not being able to drink anything cold-- were bothersome, but not overwhelming. The treatment-- where I actually went back and forth to the hospital-- was 3 days. Then the following 2 days I just decorated the couch and felt like crap. At least now I know what to expect-- one down and 11 more to go.

And my second cancer-- the melanoma? My oncologist and my new ENT doctor will consult and decide when best to interrupt my chemo treatment so the melanoma can be removed. It will be an outpatient surgery but will require general anesthesia (yet again!). My oncologist wanted me to get several treatments "under my belt" first, so it probably won't happen till early fall. The procedure to remove it will involve pulling skin from the back of my ear-- right, that's what I said-- THERE IS NO SKIN BEHIND MY EAR-- are you crazy? Doctor says will change the curvature of ear a little but won't be hugely noticeable. Yeah, right, unless I lose all my hair from chemo. Then I'll just be the bald whacko with the weird ear. Give me a patch and I can pass as a pirate!!!

But enough of my whining for now. I'm sure they'll eventually get my medications regulated and I can feel more "even," and leave my poor pharmacist brother-in-law alone. I must call him twice a week in a dither over my meds. God bless him for his endless patience!

Please keep praying for me-- this "in between" time is so frustrating. I'm me, but I'm not, and I just don't know where to go from here. I call it the "smoke & mirrors" syndrome. I look the same on the outside, but feel like a totally different person on the inside. I'm still not much for talking on the phone and communicate best via print. Thank goodness for texting or I wouldn't even "talk" to my kids.

It's not been an easy journey by any means, and it's far from over, but considering the alternative, I'm thrilled to have the chance to take it. I'll keep plugging along, knowing that God "has his arms around me," in the encouraging words of my friend, Jim. Coupled with the prayers and support of all my fabulous friends, I'm going to be a tough act to beat!