A Good Day..

Yesterday was a good day for me-- probably the best since my surgery. I emailed some customers, shopped at Target (albeit briefly!), and had lunch at Cracker Barrel. I even ate most of my vegetables, which is an accomplishment (this, from a former eating machine!).

I have lost about 35 lbs total-- and back to a weight I haven't seen in several years, which is quite lovely. But I don't recommend the diet! Appetite has been a big problem, which is funny since for years I've joked about wanting to be stricken with anorexia! And worst part is I have nothing to wear (like transitional clothes aren't tough enough already!), and don't really care. I certainly have zero inclination to shop (I know-- take my temperature!!!). I survived in sundresses for awhile, which became increasingly baggy. And now I've discovered that even my old "thin clothes" look like clown clothes on me. Who cares-- I'll enjoy the new body next year!

Speaking of next year, you probably won't recognize me. In addition to being skinny I will be bald. My hair is coming out when I just shake my head. I am so tired of hair everywhere, but I don't think I'm going to be one of those people with the guts to go ahead and shave it off. I'll probably just keep clinging to these dwindling strands as long as I can. My girlfriend has generously offered to go wig shopping with me next week so we'll see what happens. I'm thinking that since everybody's going to know it's not my hair, I might as well go for a new fun color. One of my cancer guides recommends cutting a swatch from the front of your head before you lose all your hair, so you can match up your natural color. It's been so many years since I've seen my "natural color," I'd have no idea what it is anyway, so we'll just take potluck!

But wait-- there's more fun to come! I'm sitting here the other night, finally going through a bunch of literature they gave me when I started chemo. (You can only absorb so much of this stuff at one time, I promise you). Anyway, I came across this sage advice: "Take a good close-up photo of your face before treatment as a guide for applying eyebrows after hair loss." Are you kidding me?!?!? I was ready for the other part but had given no thought to eyebrows. Sure enough, they're falling out as well. Heck, I thought the hair loss would mean less grooming time, not more. I was actually in a sad way looking forward to just popping on a hat and heading out the door. Now I'm going to have to draw on my freaking eyebrows first-- wish me luck on that one! (Eyelashes-- what do you think? The book doesn't mention them, but I'm betting I can't mascara nubs!)

I have come to the conclusion-- in a long-delayed moment of self-awareness-- that perhaps some of my meds are causing some of my side effects. Now, not the chemo meds-- that's a given. But I've been taking something to sleep since I came home from the hospital. In fact, I have 3 different choices on prescription sleep meds. My doctors really wanted me to sleep. But I was sleeping 9-10 hours a night and on awakening I had zero appetite-- I mean, I couldn't eat anything for hours, and felt very lethargic. So, last night was my 3rd night taking absolutely nothing. The good news is I feel much better in the morning. I can eat and I have more energy. The bad news is I'm not sleeping a lot, but I'm hoping it will work itself out over the next few days.

And medications? I've lost count. They are all perched on my kitchen counter like so many little soldiers, eagerly awaiting their chance to charge into battle. I have 3 for sleeping, 3 for nausea (different levels), 1 for anxiety (yeah, like this stuff wouldn't make anybody anxious!), an appetite enhancer, an anti-depressant (ditto), plus over-the counter stuff like fiber and Ensure. Whew! It's a good thing Charlie's still home at the moment to help me manage. Between sorting out meds and correcting insurance bills he does have a full-time job.

To make matters worse, have you noticed that your prescriptions these days-- if they're generic, I guess-- don't have the same name on them that your doctor prescribes? In other words, he's written me a prescription for Zofran, for nausea. And he asks me how the Zofran is working. Well, the "Zofran" bottle says Ondansetron on it in big bold letters. I don't see "Zofran" anywhere. If I get out my glasses and peer really closely, underneath, in tee-tiny print, it does say "generic for Zofran." But I never even saw that till my pharmacist brother-in-law pointed it out. And all my meds are that way. I'm looking for Xanax... oh, that would be the bottle that says Alprazolam. Right, like I have enough brain cells left to make those connections every time-- Maybe I've been taking the nausea medicine to sleep and that's my problem-- who knows?

Thanks for listening to my sad tale, but mostly, thanks for keeping me in your prayers. I'll keep you posted.